We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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