I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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