Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
