Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
