We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
