one two three fourrrrnication!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
