My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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