Can i not drive my cunt home
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
