All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
