I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
