UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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