Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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