"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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