paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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