Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
