I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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