She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
