So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
