Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
