he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
