I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
