1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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