Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
