If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
