when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
