He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
