I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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