I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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