mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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