Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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