it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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