put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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