the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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