found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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