Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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