The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
