Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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