Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
