i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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