Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
