The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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