On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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