I'm lost and stupid without you.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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