It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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