he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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