i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
