Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
