just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
