I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
