i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
