Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
There's always time for handjobs
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
