Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
