This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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