they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
How does one acquire holy water?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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