I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
