You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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