my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
